THE NEWS at two months old

They say mothers have intuitions about their children and when something is not right.

Once our daughter reached about two months old, I knew something was wrong. Her eyes were in constant motion, as if she could not shut them off unless she was falling asleep or eating. She did not look at me. I found myself nonchalantly asking other parents, "When did you notice your child making eye contact with you?" Google, YouTube, and searching videos of friends with infants became a routine. People I chose to confide in told me that she was simply an alert, curious baby. Even our pediatrician said she was okay and would lock eyes with us soon.

The week I went back to work, worry would become me when I learned that her eyes were more than curious.

After some babysitting, my husband's mother was quick to tell me that I needed to get her eyes checked asap and that it could be something she read about online. I knew it was bad because she could not bring herself to say what she thought out loud (nystagmus). After researching it and watching videos of babies doing exactly what our baby was doing, I was consumed by worry. I tried to convince myself that we were both overanalyzing it.

Our pediatrician advised us to see a pediatric ophthalmologist and referred to nystagmus as being "worst case scenario" and not to worry (I consider being blind to be worst case). After some observations, without hesitation, the ophthalmologist confirmed our daughter has nystagmus.

I vividly remember this moment. Time stopped. Did she really just say that? She said it like it was nothing, as if it were something that our daughter would not suffer from for the rest of her life. Her calm delivery of the news brought relief to my husband, and in some ways to me as well. Maybe it was not as bad as I thought. She told us there was nothing we could do for it. There must be something. She was not able to tell us what causes it or how it could be treated. What she did tell us was that our daughter would need to undergo MRI's to rule out brain abnormalities causing the nystagmus. Brain abnormalities? Am I living in a nightmare? She also stated that she had many patients with nystagmus and they are fine. At that point, I was in shock. I remember conscientiously nagging myself to be strong. Don't you fucking cry. I stared at my husband in that room for the longest time, who focused intently on the doctor.

Leaving the office, it was quiet. What do I say? What do we do? What is my husband thinking? The tears brewed heavily in my eyes. My husband said she would grow out of it and she would be fine. "Nothing to worry about..."
 He seemed so confident. So unfazed. So positive in a negative situation. I, on the other hand, was downright devastated and tried to muster whatever I could to keep myself together.

I got home and pushed her around in the stroller. It was impossible for me to think of anything else, as her "curious" eyes were a constant reminder that our daughter was diagnosed with a lifelong vision disorder. OUR DAUGHTER! Pushing her stroller around, I remember not being able to bring myself to text my two best friends right away when they asked how her appointment went. That would make it real, and this was not real life. What did I do wrong? Did I drink too much coffee? Did I workout too much? Did I not take the right vitamins? Did I take her outdoors too soon as a newborn? Will she bullied her whole life? Are people going to ask me what is wrong with my daughter? Will this impact the relationship between her and my husband's teenage son? If it does get better, when will that happen? Do we tell people? Will she ever have a boyfriend? Will she be able to drive? Is our daughter going to struggle to find a job? Can she see anything? Next thing I knew I was bent over in my yard, leaning over her stroller, spitting out my water and finally letting out what I was fighting to hold in all those hours. It would not be the last time.